The Old Crone's Guide to Vietnam: Part IV

Coffee Stronger Than Your Ex (and Twice as Bitter)

Sit down, dear traveler, and clutch your hat—or better yet, your heart—because today we discuss a subject both sacred and dangerous: Vietnamese coffee.

This is not your polite little café latte, frothed by a barista with too many facial piercings and not enough sleep. No, no. Vietnamese coffee is a beast all its own—bold, black, and capable of raising the dead. It comes in small cups but hits with the force of a charging water buffalo. One sip and you’ll either find enlightenment or spend the next three hours contemplating the ceiling fan in your hotel room.

A Brew With Bite

Let me tell you, child, Vietnamese coffee isn’t just a drink—it’s a ritual. The locals brew it slowly, drip by drip, using a contraption called a phin filter. Imagine, if you will, a tiny metal hat perched on a glass. It’s charming until you realize you’ll be staring at it for a good five to ten minutes, watching your caffeine drip down like molasses in winter.

But patience, my dear. Patience. Good things come to those who wait—and in this case, they come laced with enough caffeine to make your ancestors jitter in their graves.

Milk of Mercy (Or Doom)

If you order cà phê sữa đá (iced coffee with sweetened condensed milk), prepare for something sweeter than a grandmother at Tet but still potent enough to dissolve your eyebrows.The condensed milk isn’t just for flavor—it’s a tradition born from practicality. Back when fresh milk was as rare as a polite taxi driver during rush hour, the clever folk of Vietnam turned to cans of thick, sugary milk. And lo! A national treasure was born.

Want it hot? Order cà phê sữa nóng and cradle the cup like a small furnace while you sip.

Brave enough to drink it black? That’s cà phê đen, my daring child. Order it đen đá for iced, or đen nóng for hot.Just don’t come crying to me when your soul tries to escape your body through your earlobes.

Ordering Without Tears

Here’s how to survive the coffee menu without looking like a wide-eyed duck fresh from the pond:

Vietnamese	What You’re Getting
Cà phê sữa đá	Iced coffee with sweetened condensed milk
Cà phê sữa nóng	Hot coffee with condensed milk
Cà phê đen đá	Iced black coffee (no milk, no mercy)
Cà phê đen nóng	Hot black coffee

The Egg Coffee Exception

Now, listen closely because here’s where it gets truly peculiar. In Hanoi, the good folk have concocted something called egg coffee (cà phê trứng).Yes, you heard me right—egg.

Imagine a layer of whipped egg yolk and sugar, floating atop rich black coffee like a golden cloud of cholesterol. It’s creamier than a love letter and twice as sinful. I once drank two cups in one sitting and woke up in 1943.

Coffee Etiquette (Or How Not to Look Like a Fool)

• Sit down and stay a while. Vietnamese coffee isn’t rushed. It’s a slow, companionable affair. Bring a book or, if you’re like me, a pair of gossiping ears.

• Don’t expect Wi-Fi in the best places. Look up, not down. Life’s happening all around you.

• Avoid ordering "takeaway" at the hole-in-the-wall cafés. That’s not the point. Sip, linger, watch the world go by like an old crone on a porch.

Final Warning From the Crone

Vietnamese coffee is a blessing and a curse. Drink it wisely, or you may find yourself writing travel blogs at 3 a.m., eyes wide, hands twitching, whispering "just one more cup."

As for me, I’m off to order another cà phê sữa đá, knees aching but spirit sharp. Join me, won’t you?