The Old Crone's Guide to Vietnam: What Ho! Thy First Days in the Land of the Ascending Dragon

Greetings, intrepid traveller!

So you’ve set your sights upon Vietnam—land of emerald rice paddies, thunderous mopeds, and a cuisine that could make a grown duke weep with joy. But before you don your explorer’s hat and stride forth with a leather-bound journal and dreams of pho-induced enlightenment, let us review a few indispensable nuggets of wisdom. Think of this not as a list of rules, dear reader, but rather as a series of polite nudges—like the kind your butler might give before you attempt to wear linen to a monsoon.

Do: Equip Thyself With Modern Magic (a.k.a. the Grab App)

Before your dainty boots touch Vietnamese soil, install the Grab app. Not only will it summon you a trusty steed (read: a car or motorbike) within moments, but it shall also spare you the ignominy of being fleeced by a zealous cab driver with dreams of early retirement. Bartering may be the sport of emperors, but no one wants to start their holiday haggling for a ride.

Don't: Gamble With Thy Lungs or Skin

Pollution in cities like Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City can at times be rather ahem enthusiastic. Arm thyself with face masks—not the cucumber spa sort, but the kind that whispers, “I shall breathe clean air, thank you.” In summer, bring forth your suncream lest you be roasted like a street-side bánh mì. In winter, a noble lip balm shall guard your kisser from becoming the Sahara itself.

Do: Secure Thy Passport as You Would a Crown Jewel

Vietnam is safe—one of the safest realms in Southeast Asia, in fact—but even the finest castles have pickpockets skulking in shadows. Keep your valuables snug in your hotel safe and carry only a copy of your passport. Should an innkeeper (or the law) request a gander at your papers, fret not—'tis standard practice, not cause for melodrama.

Don't: Trust the Tap as Thou Would a Holy Spring

The local water may not sit well with noble stomachs unused to its temperament. Bottled water is the elixir of choice, lest your bowels stage a mutiny. Should your lodgings boast a purifying contraption, then drink deeply. Otherwise, seal that tap and pretend it doth not exist.

Do: Hydrate As If Preparing for a Long Trek Across the Gobi

Vietnam is humid, especially in the south. Drink water aplenty and beware the allure of ten iced coffees before breakfast unless thou wishes to jitter like a lute string.

A Final Word, Like a Feather on the Breeze

Vietnam is warm not only in temperature but in spirit. Its people are gracious, its food divine, and its landscapes beg for poetic exclamations. Bring an open mind, a respectful heart, and a healthy curiosity. And always, always have a packet of tissues in your bag—you may need it in the loo, or to dab a tear after a bowl of sublime noodle soup.